NOTE 1. -------------------------------------------------------

i have a wish that when we grow up you will notice which songs i start albums from.

NOTE 2. -------------------------------------------------------

perhaps i was never cut out for friends.

today has been unusually warm. the photographs around me curl up and off the walls. the two with [her] in them fall off first.

NOTE 3. -------------------------------------------------------

__ ___ will turn fifty this friday. she has intimated to me that she does not wish to continue past seventy. that is not so far away. this amazes me.

perhaps she will forget.

NOTE 4. -------------------------------------------------------

i cannot forgive __ ______'s slowness and this in itself is unforgivable.

DREAM A. -------------------------------------------------------

i am an aquarium maintenance expert. i am at the melbourne aquarium. usually i do not do such big aquariums but apparently the curator has heard wonderful things about me.

you also work at the aquarium. you do something relating to the brochures, the advertising. today you are working as usual. unusually, your office faces onto an aquarium.

last night we fought. today you have taken the new girl to lunch because she said she wanted some music. you both get drunk. you come back from lunch and fuck in your office.

i see because i am fixing the aquarium your office faces onto. i am disappointed most when you straighten your tie and tell her that you need to go and do some printing. you tell her you will be back soon, but you don't come back soon. in fact, i finish the aquarium and you still haven't come back.

she has curled hair close around her face, which is like a heart and the prettiest thing you ever saw. she is sitting cross legged on the floor, smoking a cigarette. in front of her is a tiny cake she bought from the canteen while she was waiting.

i have been instructed to lock up once i've finished, so i do. mostly. i get home, i open our door. you've lit candles everywhere and are waiting with a cake on the dining room table.

NOTE 5. -------------------------------------------------------

the thing i notice about the sex scene in revolutionary road (the first one) is that the music swells and recedes with his groans while her eyes start to shift around, like she's scared.

NOTE 6. -------------------------------------------------------

there are two tubes of toothpaste in the ensuite. everytime i go in there they are spooning, skinny one holding the full one. also i stuck up an astor poster. it makes a difference.

NOTE 7. -------------------------------------------------------

______ is this guy with big curly hair and raybans so already i am wary. i am standing around with my friends drinking some juice and he sidles up to me and says excuse me but are you trina? i say yes, hello, glance at his nametag and realise who he is, aah ______! i've heard so much about you!and i you.
*handshake*

NOTE 8. -------------------------------------------------------
____ ____ since having the baby has been dreamy. when i got up to leave, she said she'd walk me to the station. she picks up ______, puts on some shoes and we just leave. it was great. we're walking, i have this enormous bag and she has this three week old baby in her arms and everyone we pass has the biggest smile. it occurred to me on the train that she could have fallen over or someone could've mugged her or anything. but it didn't.

NOTE 9. -------------------------------------------------------

____ ____ and ____ ____ and ____ ____ used to all listen to rnb. this included fatman scoop, kelis, 112, i forget who, really. i started listening to music in grade six maybe? the radio.

____ ____ told me how some of the songs she heard on the radio used to play at the clubs she went to. when she was younger, that kind of music was their music, no-one else knew about it (except for the other club goers). she said it was so strange to hear it on the radio.

some time later, they asked me what kind of music i liked to listen to. i said rnb, because that was the truth, i had started listening to their music because it was their music. ____ ____ kind of scoffed at me. hah, rnb. oh god.

i remember being confused. now i realise though, this was the kind of thing one says when they're slightly ashamed.

my chemical romance, hah. good grief.

DREAM B. -------------------------------------------------------

the beach. cafe, steel slat tables, scratchy chairs on concrete. i walk over to sit with my friends. _____ is at a table nearby. condensation is beading on my bottle (of solo i think). i see him. i slip a bracelet off of my arm and slide it up my leg to my thigh. soon i see surprise on his face. i am pleased that he was in fact looking at my legs under the table. i spread my legs slightly. he becomes a boy from orientation. i see what he is seeing - the mountains from those new zealand tourism advertisements. suddenly i am swooping over a river and presently, i dive in. underwater, there is a cafe, steel slat tables, scratchy chairs. my friends are there.

the cafe has a view of the beach.